Avett Thomas & Lauren Cecilia

My sweet second (and third) children. In true second (and third I guess) child fashion, I’ve had the intention of writing about you since the day you entered the world, but I’m sitting down for my first attempt at it when you are half a year old. 7 months actually. I knew it was unrealistic to expect that I would write about each month’s progress so there hasn’t been much mom-shame in my game. In fact, I’m actually laughing at what a typical first-time mom I was for writing about Ella every single month of her first year. Ah, the days when I thought I was busy.

There is so much very real and rich life that has happened since we learned about Avett & Cece. At our first appointment after I found I was pregnant, we left excited and enthusiastic about the baby we saw on the ultrasound. That’s right, one baby. At our second appointment, a quick appointment to check the heart beat, we took Ella because our news was still somewhat a secret and it was supposed to be a quick in and out. I’ll never forget Dr. Sterling’s words: “Oh there’s something we didn’t see before…a second baby!” What?! I remember looking over at Dustin, my heart beating so fast, and watching him wrestle Ella in the extra chair with the look of man processing some very new and life-altering information. He was half-smiling and repeating the words “ok…ok…ok.” A very Dustin response that I will always cherish. We spent the next two weeks day-dreaming what our new life was going to look like. Googling things like “double strollers” and “twin nurseries.” We were excited, nervous, and frankly a little stunned. At our next appointment, came the news that we never in our wildest dreams imagined was possible: Triplets. Three babies. Three very obvious beating hearts on the monitor. Dr. Sterling’s usual jovial tone turned very serious. I remember him sitting down with us and beginning to talk about the host of potential complications now, the risks associated with triplet pregnancies, the likelihood that they would come early, the weight of it all. I bawled the whole way home. To be honest, we were just totally in shock for the better part of two weeks. I spent a lot of energy wondering how this was even going to be possible, how I would ever be able to nurture three babies at once, how we would pay for all their needs, how we would ever go anywhere again, how Ella would be impacted by it all.

Two weeks later, our Baby C was no longer there. The image of the third beating heart was as obviously gone as it had obviously been there. In the moment, I’m not sure how I felt or how I was even supposed to feel. We both just felt weary from leaving every appointment with life-altering news. Pregnant. Twins. Triplets. Twins again. Dr. Sterling’s words were both wise and comforting to us: “We’re not celebrating anything, but this just got a lot less complicated.” Dustin and I talked a lot about his kindness to us in those words. That’s how we felt. Sad. Confused. Relieved. Unsure if we could say relieved. Still shocked. Anyway, the story of our Baby C is something special to me, something interwoven into the story of Avett and Cece, and something I will store up and ponder in my heart the way a mother does with some things.

On a regular Monday in April (or as a regular as a Monday can be when you’re 35 weeks pregnant with twins and taking care of a 3 year old), I started the day with some back pain and spent the better half of the day ignoring it because I had wholeheartedly declared the babies were not coming until May. Ella and I did our usual thing: slow morning at home, ballet, a few errands. I even had lunch with my friend Anna that day and told her I was having some lower back pain, but nothing a little Doc McStuffins on the couch couldn’t cure. After a few episodes on the couch, my back pain really didn’t let up, funny how contractions don’t do that when they’re the real deal. Oh hindsight. In my true stubborn fashion, I continued to walk in denial all the way to the kids haircut place in south Tulsa where I got Ella a haircut and proceeded to the elementary pick-up line in Bixby to get Jack. It’s funny how the pick-up line can be a place that incites a little self-analysis (i.e. panic). I started noting in my phone when the contractions would come and how long they lasted. When I realized they were about 5 minutes apart and I was literally trapped in my van in the world’s most agonizing car line, I started to get a little antsy. I called the doctor’s office to see what I should do and of course they told me: “Well if you’re having contractions, you should go to the hospital.” Right. I should probably do that. Once Jack was in the car, I dropped the kids off at Marti’s house where my Mom met me and I casually assured everyone (including Dustin by phone) that I was fine. I remember I went to the bathroom, drove slowly back to our house because I wanted to grab a few things and maybe change my clothes. By the time we got to OB Triage, I was still wholeheartedly believing they would just check things out and send us home to rest. The irony of it all is that I felt exactly the same way I did when I went into labor with Ella. The contractions were getting harder and closer together, definitely uncomfortable. When they finally checked me around 5PM, the nurse kindly said: “Well you’re dilated to 5cm, so I think you’re going to have these babies tonight.” After that, we switched gears, embraced what was happening, and our babies were born no less than 3 hours later.

Avett Thomas came first at 4lbs 3oz. Lauren Cecilia second at 4lbs 9oz.

Even with all the wildness of the afternoon and the surprise of babies coming a few weeks early, their birth was truly so relaxed for me. Ella’s delivery was chaotic, difficult, and so foreign. With Avett and Cece, I was prepared and there was peace all around us in a way that can only be credited to the Spirit of God. Both babies went to the NICU after they were born. They did the usual “learn how to stay warm on your own-learn how to eat and gain some weight” routine for a few days and all were home with us in 7 days. Cece actually came home with us on Friday and Avett came home 2 days later.

So there it is. The story of how you came into the world. I’m certain I’ve left out many details, including Avett’s trip back to the ICU at 3 weeks old (a story for another day), but I want to record more than all of that is how treasured and loved you both are as individuals.

Avett, I never imagined having a son. In fact, I never really knew if I wanted a son, but I have been overcome with a love for my only son in a way that I couldn’t have known without you. And what I would have missed! You were more challenging from the start with a longer NICU stay, a return ICU trip, reflux, fussiness, spitting up constantly, less consistent sleep. But you are growing into this sweet, sometimes serious and reserved, smiling, tender boy. You are more ticklish than your sisters. You smile when we greet you in the morning. You are so strong. Sometimes I marvel at how strong you feel compared to the girls. I have prayed many times while holding you that you would be a man of strength and tenderness, a man who cares for others deeply, and a man who would love Jesus more deeply than the generations before you. I thank God that he gave me the rich blessing of a son. You are my treasure, Avett Thomas.

Cece, you are the second daughter I longed for. Since the moment we found out we were pregnant, I wanted another girl. I wanted sisters. I wanted a daughter to understand being a little sister like I am. I wanted Ella to know the joy of a sister relationship. Most of all, I wanted to talk to my girls about my sister and for them to get it. Your life is God’s grace to me in many ways, but one of the most treasured ways is that you are my second daughter. And you fill that role with such beauty and humor. You are dainty, chatty, funny, and so so easy. You are our easiest baby by far and we thank you! We have been talking lately about you being our most social baby too. You love to be held, to jabber, to steal toys from your brother, to bounce your head with such enthusiasm as we feed you that you get food everywhere. One day (many days actually) I will tell you stories about my big sister, your namesake, so you know that there is literally no one who would have been more proud to have you bear her name. My sweet Lauren Cecilia, you are a dream come true.

And one final thought on having twins. This has been the most physically exhausting thing I’ve ever done, although not the most emotionally exhausting thing. That’s actually quite a pleasant surprise. I can still say that second (and third) babies are easier than the first go at it. There’s just nothing like that first experience at parenthood to rock your world. But having twins has been the most delightful and unexpected club I never imagined joining. Avett and Cece, I can’t wait to watch you grow together, to navigate life with you as individuals and as a unit. I can’t wait to watch you continue to engage with and adore your big sister, Ella. She is so perfectly equipped for the job of being a big sister to twins, I pray you will follow her lead and love her well. And above all, I pray we can be parents who humbly give you all you need as we get all we need from Jesus. May you turn your eyes to Him at the earliest of ages and hold tightly to this Truth that will anchor you through life as nothing else in all creation can. You are loved and adored.

3 years of Ella James

Not much writing has happened over the last year.  Actually no writing has happened as apparently my last post was celebrating Ella's second birthday.  It's certainly no indication of life lived though.  We've been full of all the things at our house.  So here I am finding a quiet moment alone at Starbucks, drinking my peppermint mocha, and thinking about how my cup is literally overflowing.  

I've said this many times, but it rings truer each year that passes: Ella is so easy to celebrate.  The older she gets, the more we love her and the more I marvel at our ever-growing capacity to love another person.  So many of our friends are celebrating their babies' first years and I find myself reminiscing about what it felt like to have a baby turn one.  In a way there is so much relief that year one is over, but it's coupled with so much unknown about the next year.  Some of that unknown is so unknown that, in the best way possible, you just can't anticipate it.  I find myself filled with this sense of anticipatory joy on behalf of my friends.  How much love they have yet to know!  I suppose that's what my Mom is always talking about when she reflects on having loved me for nearly 32 years.  Ellagirl, I can't wait to have loved you 32 years.  How much love I have yet to know!

This year you filled our house with chatter.  Talking early and often would be a good a way to describe you.  You can memorize Bible verses.  You pretend to read your books and know most of the words.  Oh to have a young brain again!  You can tell stories.  You use colloquial expressions like "I couldn't believe it!" and "oh my goodness!"  At your 3 year well-check appointment, Dr. Thompson asked if you could string 3-5 words together to form sentences.  Umm...yes.  We can check that box FOR SURE.  

Speaking of words, your Dad and I are learning new ways to describe your ever-budding personality.  Cautious. Compassionate.  Curious.  Your teachers told us you were very "cerebral" which made us chuckle a little, but mostly opened us up to a beautiful aspect of who you are.  You love to read and are quite content to look at books during a party.  You are never the first to jump or climb or try new things, but you will think and examine and move forward confidently once you've decided you can do it.  I really admire your caution and pray it will help guide you to wise decisions as your grow.  What I love most about you is your compassion.  You always notice the crying child or upset adult.  Often in public you asking me about them with genuine concern and I have to reassure you that "their mommy is helping them."  Your teachers have shared many times that you've comforted another child at school.  Even in our home and over the last eighteen months of walking in grief, you've always noticed when I was sad and responded in love.  You told your Dad that you were going to find Aunt Lolly for me and talked often about how happy Mommy will be when she sees her again in heaven.  How did you learn such tenderness?  What a reflection of Christ in you!  

This year you went to the beach for the first time.  You did NOT like the ocean.  Perhaps we rushed you in too soon, but the sights and sounds of the waves crashing really scared you even in your Dad's arms.  You were content to play (cautiously) in the sand for the rest of the week.  You changed schools for the first time and with time marched confidently into your classroom like you didn't need me at all.  You gave up the paci like a champ and honestly surprised us all.  You convinced me that you were ready to potty-train and after about 3 grueling weeks of sitting on the bathroom floor, you were basically done.  You slept your last night in a crib and I cried to your Dad after you went to bed in a way that surprised me.  You are officially not a baby anymore.  You are a walking, talking, potty-trained, big-girl bed-sleeping girl.  We are so proud of you!

Ella James, there is no other person quite like you.  I could never have imagined what God was and is creating in you when I longed for you so many years ago.  As a second child myself, I know that it is possible to love another baby as much as you love the first, but often I find myself thinking, how could I ever love anyone as much as I love Ella?  I suppose I am resting in that same place of a anticipating a goodness so good I don't actually know how to anticipate it.  We can't wait to walk with you into the next year.  When I think about you becoming a big sister, I can't help but think of my big sister.  I know it will bring me joy to share with you all the ways she loved me and all the ways I treasured her.  You have no idea how much these babies will adore you and I can't wait to tell you.  Happy Birthday treasure girl, we love you!  

2 years of Ella James

Yesterday Ella turned two.  

Hold the phone, there's a toddler living in our house and we're in charge.  Or maybe she's in charge?  No, we're in charge.  I'm actually not sure.  

I was going to say something about feeling like it was just yesterday that she was born, but I realized that it honestly doesn't feel that way.  Yes, it's sort of mind-blowing when I consider that only one short year ago she was barely walking and barely talking.  Now she is running through our house speaking in basically full sentences, saying things like "No I don't like that." or "Momma, welcome to my party, you sit here."  Or even tilting her head in a nurturing way and asking "you ok, Momma?"  But ultimately when I think about the last year, my initial reflection is not on the quick passage of time, but rather the fullness of both really really hard things and really really good things.  

So much of Ella's growth this year was accompanied by so much "life."  In January, our work sort of took off with the opening of 36 Degrees North and my return to St. Francis.  We were in our groove doing our thing and so was Ella.  She was walking and eating regular foods and sleeping like a champ.  In February, we decided to list our house in the burbs and look closer to midtown.  We had toyed with this idea for a year or two earlier, but decided to wait.  Even as we were putting the for sale sign in our yard, it still felt somewhat risky.  Mostly because we knew others would see it as moving in the opposite direction literally and figuratively: moving from a new construction home in the suburban school district to an older home in the center of the city.  At the same time, the risk appealed to us and we felt our move was intentional and significant in for our family's story, including Ella's.  

And then March happened.  This is mostly content for another post, but for me there is life before March 17th and life after March 17th.  Lauren died that day and my world shifted so fast and so hard, I barely have clear memories of that month.  For our sweet Ella, her world stayed mostly the same and she stayed mostly the same.  For all the chaos that was happening in and around her mother, Ella brought light and consistency and joy.  I remember her being so flexible.  From being woken up in the middle of the night to napping on the fly at other people's houses to being fed and dressed and played with by a thousand different relatives and friends.  I remember sometime during the first few days afterward, Ella was napping at my in-laws house across the street and I had come over to take a break.  She woke and I went to rock her.  I remember holding her and begging God to let her sleep in my arms.  Not in the way a mother begs out of exhaustion for her child to sleep just a few minutes longer, but out a deep need to remember the goodness of God.  I needed just a moment to soak up some of Ella's goodness, her untouched-by-the-world goodness.  I needed her to take a deep breath, sigh, and melt into my arms so I could remember that His is good when sin is not.  And she did.  Sweet girl, one day I will tell you much about this season.  You were and continue to be such Grace to me.  

And just like that Ella's world kept moving...quite literally in fact.  In May we moved into our new home near midtown Tulsa.  We spent our summer months in between our new house and the Curzon's new house as we remodeled our kitchen and settled into a routine of having Jack with us a few days a week.  It has been such a joy to watch Ella love and learn Jack.  And to watch him love her in return.  It wasn't without some adjusting on everyone's part (myself included because whoa two kids is harder than one), but I look back on our crazy summer fondly as the season two sweet only children learned they are, in fact, NOT the center of the universe.  Truthfully though, they do life fairly well together especially for being five years apart.  Jack is patient with Ella when she is slow EVERYWHERE we go, he hands her all the toys she drops out of reach in the car, he tickles her, sings to her, and even ignores her when she needs a little ignoring.  Ella adores Jack.  I can entice her to do anything with the promise that Jack will be there and/or also be doing the thing I need her to do.  She squeals when he comes into room and yells "Hi Jacks! Hi Jacks!"  She loves that they have the same middle name and often just talks to herself about "Jackson James Allison."  Lauren would be so delighted with the way they love each other.  She would be so so proud.  

We all rejoiced a bit with the transition into Fall.  Jack started back to school.  Ella started MDO two days a week.  I got my free day back and happily said good bye to sweaty no-make-up days at the splash pad.  Ella (and let's face it, her mother) thrive on routine and I think it's safe to say that we've been thriving for the last few months.  We celebrated Ella's birthday with a party bigger than our house can hold and I reminded myself that next year I should probably chill.  Alas, our home was filled with people who we love deeply and who love us well, our people.  So as Dustin wisely reminded me, who cares if the house is bursting at the seams and no one has anywhere to park?  Sorry neighbors.

Ella James, in keeping with tradition on your birthday, your Dad and I prayed on our knees for you after you went to bed.  We prayed through each of the themes we have continued to pray over your life and that I wrote about here.  We are so humbled that God created you and put you in our lives, that you are our beautiful, fiery, smart, and confident little girl.  I so hope that one day you get to be a mother and understand how deeply we love you.  We love you because you are ours, we love you because God loves you, we love you because you are of great worth, and we love you because you are so easy to love.  Happy 2nd Birthday, treasure girl!  

For Lauren

Below is a copy of what I wrote for Lauren's memorial service and shared in front of family and close friends at her internment on March 23, 2016.  I spoke for my sister because she would most certainly have spoken for me.  I spoke for my sister because who speaks for you at your funeral if not your sister?  Most importantly though, I spoke for my sister because she was mine and I loved her.  

My sister.

Honestly when I sit down to write this, I don’t know where to begin.  I know so much about my sister.  Her strengths, her weaknesses, her quirks, her loyalties, her faults.  And I hate so much that I’m sitting before a computer trying to sum up who she was or what I loved about her in a few minutes at her funeral.  As much as Lauren loved things with great depth, this feels rather trival, but alas I know my sister would have something eloquent and slightly too verbose if the shoe were on the other foot.  So here is my attempt to emulate that.

Lauren was the most intense person I’ve ever known.  When she bought into something, everything else wasn’t just dismissed, it was dismissed with a vengeance.  It was useless, the opposite of what was good and true.  For example...

The Dallas Cowboys

The X-Files

Meme

Gone With the Wind

Stevie Nicks

Politics and the Law

Theater

Music

Literature

Writing

Joshua

And of course our Jackson, nothing compared to the way she loved Jackson.

She loved things with a ferocity that honestly was exhausting at times, even if the thing she was loving fiercely was you.  When I was in first grade, I came home crying because an older girl had made fun of my Beauty and the Beast backpack.  Lauren was so enraged, she marched her fifth grade self down to the bus stop to confront the girl.  When I was in high school, she was skeptical of any boy I dated and truly I think she just loved to intimidate them.  That’s probably why God gave me a husband that’s known her all along.  Apparently twenty-six years is how long it takes to win Lauren over if you’re marrying her sister.  When I pledged Kappa and graduated from OU, Lauren always came to Norman beaming.  I’m confident she bragged about me to a lot of people and only half of what she said was true.  She loved me.  She loved me fiercely.  And I will always cherish that.  

The day Jackson was born is one of the most special days in my memory.  Because he was the first grandchild and we were all so excited, we marched to the hospital way sooner than we needed to be there.  We sat around and paced for hours upon hours until we finally got word from the nurse that he was here.  They brought Jack to the nursery with Joshua, but Lauren was still back in the delivery room.  I remember everyone crowding around the nursery window to see Jackson, but Dad paced up and down the hall waiting to get word that Lauren was ok and we could see her.  I remember I started to fret too.  After what seemed like several more hours, we were taken back to Lauren’s room where she was sitting up in bed, smiling.  I remember I started crying and ran to her, put my head in chest and said “I’m so glad you’re ok.”  

The last five years have been difficult for Lauren.  We all know that.  It’s difficult to talk about because we love her and we want to remember Lauren when she was her healthy, beautiful, obnoxious, fiercely loving self.  The truth is there is sadness today about the way her life ended, but I’m clinging to hope.

In John 11, Lazarus dies and his sisters are filled with grief over his death.  His sister Martha goes to Jesus and says “Lord, if You had been here, my brother wouldn’t have died.”  Jesus answered her:  “I am the resurrection and the life.  The one who believes in Me, even if dies, will live.  Everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die - ever.  Do you believe this?”

Martha’s response is “Yes, Lord, I believe.”  

Martha and I have a lot in common at least at this moment in the story.  I’ve lost my sister and it might be natural to say, "Lord if you had been here, my sister wouldn’t have died."  But I don’t.  I see the life and resurrection of Jesus, I can say, "Yes Lord, I believe."  Lauren believed and because of Jesus, she will never die.  I am sad today, but I can have hope that one day again I will run toward her, put my head in her chest, and get to say, “Lauren, I’m so glad you’re ok.”  

Thanks be to God.  

12 months

We made it!  Ellagirl, you are officially one year old.  

Several friends have congratulated Dustin and I this week on surviving this first year.  Honestly, it hasn't felt like "surviving" the last few months, but it certainly did in the beginning.  I suppose some days I'm still "surviving."  Mostly, I think the one year milestone marks how long it has taken everyone to adapt to life as a family, as a new person, as parents.  It marks how long it has taken me to surrender my expectations of how long it should take to get dressed or how convenient a trip to the grocery store should be.  Historically, I like to learn things the longest, hardest possible way so one year for adjusted expectations is really nothing.  I'm only somewhat kidding.

This month Ella started walking.  She'd take no more than four steps at first, but now she drops to crawling only if she deems it the speedier way to get somewhere.  Yesterday I was watching her play in the living room from the kitchen.  I turned away for two seconds and when I looked back she was standing up right behind me...the picture of confident toddler before my very eyes.  I've been catching several glimpses of toddler-Ella this week and I love it.  Not the stereotypical defiant toddler, but this adventurous busy little girl with a drive to figure out limits.  I want to be intentional about celebrating that in her because I know in the future my natural tendency will be to squelch that for my own convenience or sanity.  But the truth is I love that she isn't the most easy-going child I've ever been around.  I love that she is fierce and communicative and bold.  Maybe I love it because I'm also not the most easy-going girl, but alas we are what we are and that's why God gave us Dustin.  

Last weekend we celebrated EJ's first year with a party at Mom and Dad's house.  I had started planning her party in my head several months ago, simultaneously daydreaming about beautiful fall decorations while reminding myself that I really wanted to be purposefully simple and within a budget.  Typical Emily, my daydreams are bigger than my budget and ultimately bigger than what I really want.  I share that only because the process of planning her birthday party was really special to me.  My mom and I have always shared a love of decorating, hosting, rearranging, "futzing" as we like to call it.  Frankly, the "futzing" gene really started with Meme who was the queen of "futz" and taught us to love making our homes beautiful.  I really treasure that.  It's the real reason that I enjoyed planning a party for someone who won't remember the party.  I'll always remember shopping and preparing with my mom, using dishes that Meme gave to both of us.  I'll laugh about my Dad blowing leaves off the deck repeatedly for 48 hours prior to the party and Dustin asking me what time it even started.  And of course,  I'll remember this beautiful Fall day in my parent's backyard.  EJ, I can't wait to tell you all about it when you're older.  It was a really special day!

Lastly, I'm about to get sappy so watch out all three readers of this blog.  When I think about wrapping up these series of monthly posts and I reflect on the last year, I find myself with a lump in my throat practicing avoidance.  I've been hesitant to write anything because I feel like I want to say everything and I'm not quite sure what everything is.  So here goes...

Ellagirl, this has been the most special and challenging year of my life.  I have never wept with gratitude over anything the way I have you.  When I think about you, I think about the graciousness of God in my life and I am overflowing with thankfulness.  On the evening of your birthday after you went to bed, your Dad and I prayed prayers over your life that we have been praying all year.  Here they are:

1) We pray that you will know and believe of the gospel of Jesus and that it would transform your life.  That you would have deep roots in him, not shallow or temporary, but deep and abiding roots that would anchor you as you grow.  

2) We pray that your identity and self-worth would come from who God says you are.  That you would be protected from all the world has to throw at you and you would remember that He sees you as a treasure just as we do.  That this would give you humble confidence.  

3) We pray that you would be sensitive to the needs of others and love them well.  That you would see value in others.  That you would see the orphans, the widows, the poor and respond to them with compassion and kindness.

4) We pray that you would have good and true friendships.  That your friends would encourage you, challenge you, and support you.  That you would enjoy authentic friendship as your grow.

5) We pray that God would provide you with a husband that seeks Him and cherishes you.  That even now (if he is even born yet) your husband would be growing deep roots in Jesus as well.  

6) We pray that you will have healthy and meaningful relationships with your family.  That you would see and respond to how much your family loves you and it would help you feel safe.  That in time you would be a big sister and enjoy all the joy/challenges that come from being a sibling.  

7) We pray for us.  Your parents who don't really know what we are doing, but wholeheartedly want to do our best for you.  That God would fill in the gaps where we fall short.  That He would guide us with all wisdom as we nuture, support, discipline, challenge, love and live with you.

That's all, Ellgirl.  Year one is behind us.  It was tough.  It was good.  It was messy.  It was exhausting.  

It was wonderful. 

We love you so!

11 months

Full disclosure, I felt like crying when I typed "11 months."  

Tears of happiness obviously, but tears nonetheless.  I wouldn't consider myself someone who cries easily, but the threshold for tears is definitely lower than it was pre-motherhood.  I'm happy about that though.  I'm happy to cry happy tears about Ella.  

This month EllaJames traveled once again to Colorado, but this time she made sure to travel with her entire entourage of adoring fans...her parents and all four grandparents.  Actually the first travel day, she was just with me and Nonna and Gaga.  I was a little nervous about traveling without Dustin, but so grateful to have my parents with me.  Ella was a pro as usual, watching people contently while she was strapped in the Baby Bjorn through security and sleeping in my arms during the entire flight.  I sat by the window and propped Dad's jacket under my elbow and remember telling my Mom "I love her so much."  There are a lot of unglamourous moments in the first year of motherhood, but then there are moments that totally eliminate your memory of the unglamorous ones because you feel so consumed with love.  This was one of those.

Today I was putting her down for a nap and reading a verse from John on her bulletin board: "We love because He first loved us."  It reminded me that even my capacity to love Ella is God's grace in my life.  He gives me the ability to love her and the experience of loving her because He loves.  He extends.  He initiates.  It makes my brain hurt and my heart swell.  

As far as milestones, EJ is chatting, rejecting all attempts to be spoon-fed, cruising, cruising, cruising, and frankly pulling, touching, poking anything within her field of vision.  She is one active little toot.  She loves being outside, loves her Charlie-dog, and loves all weird-smelling green vegetables.  And apparently loves Club crackers.  I'm looking at you, Nonna.  

EllaJames, we can't wait to celebrate your birthday next month!  You simultaneously bring laughter and fun and responsibility into our lives in all the best ways!  We love you!

10 months

We're in double-digits people.  

Ella James is 10 months old.  That's right, 1-0.  Two numbers.  We've already marked the date for her 1st birthday and I've already started a secret pin board for all my planning/daydreaming.  I've also already cried.  I'm simultaneously telling Dustin that I want to be super laid back about it.  Ha.  Jokes on.....him?  me?  Both of us.

I just re-read her 9 month post and remembered fondly how we spent that month coaxing her to get moving, which she totally did, but nothing like she's doing now.  EJ is basically not sitting still, always standing, and cruising circles around anything that's stationary.  Yesterday she was crawling all over Charlie and then just stood up...on her own...not holding onto anything...long enough for Dustin to call my attention and for her to look a little shocked and promptly sit down.  I've made a few mis-calculated predictions since becoming a mom, but I'm going to confidently predict that this girl's going to be walking in a month or so.

Pray for us.

This month she stayed the night with grandparents while we celebrated our fifth anniversary.  She's been away from us once before when we went to California, but this was the first time I didn't feel uneasy about it.  I got home from dropping her off and Dustin had flowers, chocolate, and a cocktail waiting for me.  Happy Anniversary, indeed.  The next morning it was rainy and cloudy.  We didn't have any coffee in the house so we ventured to a local breakfast cafe, ate biscuits and gravy, and returned home where we promptly got back into bed and watched Netflix like the hot couple that we are.  It really was so nice to sleep in and just be the two of us, but by noon we were both sort of puttering around the house waiting for Ella to come home.  

I remember when Ella was only a few days old and we were in the thick of it at home.  I had this moment where through sheer exhaustion I asked Dustin if we would ever be able to sit and watch TV together or eat dinner at the table together at the same time.  I felt like my whole world was not my own (time, mind, body, sleep, routine, all of it) and the only way to feel normal again would be to watch The Office for twenty minutes on the couch with Dustin.  It's funny to think about that now.  Yes, we watch TV together and we even eat dinner together at the table.  Our routine is different now and there are still a lot of days where I feel like my life is not my own, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  

Ellagirl, your Mom and Dad have been married for five years, but the last ten months have been one heck of an adventure.  You are by far the best thing we've ever done.  Thanks for getting us off the couch and shaking things up around here.  You are so loved!  

9 months

Ella James is 9 months old.  

She has officially been outside of me for as long as she was inside of me.  What a strange thought!  When I think about the fact that she is less than one year old, I am sometimes surprised because it seems like she has always been a part of our lives.  Other times, I can't believe it has already been 9 months.  

Another parental paradox, I suppose.  

Loving something that is so much work.  Longing for something that is so life-altering.  Wanting time to pass quickly and wanting time to slow down.  Crying out of frustration and crying out of gratitude...in the same day.  Wishing for alone time and rushing to get back to her.  Hoping for poop and then having to clean it up.  Coaxing to crawl and regretfully chasing ALL DAY.  We are in the midst of it at our house and it's tough and it's sweet.  Hey, that's another paradox.  

Ella took off this month.  Literally.  She's crawling, pulling up, talking, sitting up from laying down, banging her head on things, sprouting new teeth.  It's all happening in this one tiny girl.  I have loved all the development this month.  It's been so funny to watch her figure out her freedom.  One random Monday she started pulling on her bouncy seat and then she was hanging from it.  I put her hands on the bars, sat behind her and she just stood up.  Frankly, I was a little shocked and couldn't wait to tell Dustin what she'd done, assuming this was a gradually developing new skill.  Wrong.  She sat back down and promptly pulled back up, smiled, and repeated to my video-recording delight.  In the same week, she started sitting up from a laying down position and started crawling in a full-fledged crawling position all around the living room.  She also started making so many new sounds.  Dada, Mama, Baba, and all sort of other funny things that we're not totally sure what they mean.  

I love the last picture in this post.  It's a simple picture, but her little eyes are making such an Ella expression.  She makes this little face often when she's feeling thoughtful, I think.  She's not quite tired and she's not quite energized.  Maybe she's day-dreaming.  I would love to know what's on your mind, EJ, and I can't wait until you can tell us.  How funny to think that less than a year ago "Ella expressions" weren't something that we knew and today they are such a part of your Dad and I knowing you.  And we love knowing you, sweet girl!  Happy 9 Months!

8 months

One naked baby.  One old bath towel.  One shedding golden retriever.  One music table playing 'Old MacDonald' on repeat.  One cup of coffee that is now cold.  Three pacifiers.  One burp cloth covered in snot.  In other words, the current state of our living room.  

Happy 8 months to the naked baby that made this all possible!

Ella is cracking me up these days.  Yesterday she laughed so hard in the mirror that she practically head-butted herself while she was trying to kiss her reflection.  We have the video to prove it and to later submit with her college applications.  I think I say this every month, but this month has been my favorite.  Its such a hilarious and beautiful thing to watch her grow literally by the pound and by the funny new facial expression or noise.  And frankly there is no shortage of either.  Girlfriend basically skipped 6-9 month clothes.  Also, my arm tingles at night after she's gone to bed.  More evidence that she is most certainly getting enough to eat.  She just introduced this funny little half-smile which seems to communicate that she's pleased.  It's like now she has degress of emotions instead of just happy, mad, or sad.  She's a complex little thing and I'm afraid she knows it.  

Ella had so many 'firsts' this month.  We took her to the neighborhood pool.  We gave her ice cream.  We took her to Colorado.  On our flight home from Winter Park as EJ slept across my lap, I was thinking about how well the trip had gone and how adaptable she had been.  Honestly I was surprised.  All of my planning had gone into minimizing the disruption of her routine and maximizing her comfort.  And perhaps some of that planning helped us, but mostly I think it was just Ella being Ella.  

Unpredictably adaptable Ella.  

Once again I tried to fit Ella into the little box of whatever I anticipated she would do and once again she proved that she is, in fact, not a robot.  And that being a robot would be super boring because it is such a joy to be surprised by you, EJ.  It is such a joy to watch you observe and learn and navigate the tiny little world that we manage for you.  Even in your eighth month of life, I caught of glimpse of how you needed me a little less than you did in your seventh month.  It's crazy and lovely and way too quick. 

Yesterday you fell backward and bumped your head slightly as you fell.  I saw the look of shock come over your face and I scooped you up as you started to cry.  You weren't hurt at all, but the fall rattled you a little and you put your sweet head on my shoulder in a way that you never had before.  You didn't just need me for comfort, you wanted me for it and that felt so good for my momma's heart.  There are a few times in the story of Jesus it mentions his mother Mary storing things up in her heart and pondering them.   I can really relate these days and I think that's why I like documenting things here.  It's my way of storing up these little treasures that God has given me in you.  Already too many to count.

Happy 8 months (and frankly a few extra days because timeliness with this is tough), Ella James!  You are our beautiful, curious, opinionated, and adaptable treasure!

7 months

Hey Ella, you're 7  months old today!  

Earlier today I was thinking about what all you accomplished in your seventh month of life and thinking it seemed uneventful, but after looking through the camera roll on my phone, I'm realizing that your seventh month has been full of significant milestones.

Two teeth.  Remember how I said last month that I thought you were teething?  I was right and frankly I feel validated by your two tiny teeth.  Rolling, rolling, and more rolling.  All over the living room floor, you are rolling.  It's like all of the sudden you've figured out that you can get closer to things if you move their direction.  Who knows how much Charlie hair you've probably inhaled, but it hasn't seemed to hold you back.  In fact, you started sleeping on your stomach occasionally, which is just hilarious because, bless your heart, you faceplant, like full-on sleep with your forehead to the mattress.  You LOVE Charlie.  I caught you giggling to yourself in the living room while you watched him chase his tail one day and ever since you really haven't stopped laughing at your funny, hairy, huge dog.  He seems to love you, too.  He'll lay down on the floor right next to you, always being some combination of sweet and annoying.  It's so interesting to me that inherently you know Charlie is funny or that chasing a tail is a silly thing to do.  Who taught you that?  The things you find funny have really caused me to pause.  It's like you are so untainted by the busyness of life that you can still see the intricate, God-designed humor all around us.  I've caught myself thinking: "How creative God, that You would make a furry animal to live in my house and chase his tail to my baby's delight."  See EJ, God even uses your Charliedog to teach Mom something.

The most significant milestone this month is that we left you with your grandparents for four days while we went to Napa for a Beta wedding.  You have no shortage of worthy and willing caregivers around here, but even knowing that, I felt so strange leaving you.  I cried several times the Thursday night we left you and almost choked the Southwest lady when she told us our flight coming home had been cancelled.  Alas, we made it home, you did great while we were gone, and we might even do it again sometime...just not any time super soon.  

Your Dad and I stood in your room one night last week and looked at your sweet face while you were sleeping because sometimes it's a little unreal that you exist.  Ellagirl, you are hilairous and beautiful and smart and, oh boy, do we love you so!